The Lesson Of The Word "Sh'air" - Emor 5773

In the beginning of the Parsha we have the rules of a Kohen who is not allowed to be Mitamei. A Kohen Hedyot we are told is allowed to be Mitamei to his relatives. In the language of the Posuk in 21:2 (כִּי, אִם-לִשְׁאֵרוֹ, הַקָּרֹב, אֵלָיו). What is (שְׁאֵרוֹ). Rashi says (אין שארו אלא אשתו). That he is allowed to be Mitamei to his wife. As the Posuk says the other of the 7 relatives as well.

I would like to discuss the idea of (שאר) being a wife. Rashi says (אין שארו אלא אשתו) the word Sh'air refers to a wife. Now that comes from Toras Kohanim in the Medrash. The Medrash says a few more words. Ain Sh'airo Ela Ishto Shenemar Sh'air Avicha Hi. The Tosafos Yom Tov in Masechese Bava Basra in the beginning of Perek Ches brings this Medrash and he says Divrei Taima Haim. He says this is a Pele. Sh'air means a wife Shenemar (שְׁאֵר אָבִיךָ, הִוא) Sh'air Avicha Hi. The Posuk (שְׁאֵר אָבִיךָ, הִוא) Sh'air Avicha Hi appears in the Parsha of Arayos in Vayikra 18:12. (שְׁאֵר) Sh'air there means a sister. We are talking about the prohibition about marrying your father's sister and the Posuk says (שְׁאֵר אָבִיךָ) Sh'air Avicha and there Sh'air means a sister. The Tosafos Yom Tov שדלד how does the Toras Kohanim seem to understand Sh'air to means a wife? It is a tough Kasha.

I would like to share with you an answer that it says in both the Torah Temimah and actually is written more clearly in the Sefer Haksav V'hakabalah (page # 119). These sources say that the word Sh'air does not literally mean wife. As a matter of fact the Haksav V'hakabala brings from the GRA (the Vilna Gaon) that D'vadai Lashon Sh'airo Hainu Sh'air Bisaro V'lo Ishto. The word Sh'air means someone connected to your flesh. So that a sister is Sh'air (connected to your flesh) and it doesn't literally mean a wife. Why then here do we say that Sh'airo Zu Ishto? So we say that the Posuk says (כִּי, אִם-לִשְׁאֵרוֹ, הַקָּרֹב, אֵלָיו) the flesh who is closest to him. Closest? Yes, that is a wife. So that the word Sh'air implies someone is from the same flesh. Now we understand that blood relatives can be called from the same flesh. Now what about a wife? A wife comes from different parents? The answer is that this Limud is that Sh'air is from the idea that is found in Beraishis 2:24 (וְהָיוּ לְבָשָׂר אֶחָד). That they are actually one. Husband and wife are one. In that way, the idea of Sh'airo Zu Ishto is important. Sh'airo your wife in the language of the Rashbam there in Masechta Bava Basra 109b (כדכתיב והיו לבשר אחד (בראשית ב)). The Rashbam is saying the Yesod that the Torah Temimah and the Ksav V'hakabala say that Sh'air is the idea of being one of oneness. Therefore, Sh'airo Zu Ishto is an idea, is a sense of oneness that husband and wife need to have one with the other.

There is an interesting Hagahos Mordechai in the beginning of Maseches Kesuvos. The Hagaos Mordechai was asked whether it is proper that Arus V'arusoso, a man and woman who plan to be married, whether they are allowed to live in the same house. To that Hagaos Mordechai responds that they should not live in the same house even if they are planning to be married. He brings two reasons. One is the Issur Yichud problem and Kallah B'lo Beracha Asura L'bayla and there is an Issur Yichud. Secondly, and this is where it becomes interesting, he says that it is not good for a couple that are engaged to be married to spend time living together as they will end up fighting and come to hate each other. There will be fights. He brings from Beraishis 2:21 (וַיַּפֵּל י רוָר אֱלֹרים תַּרְדֵּמָה עַל-הָאָדָם) when HKB"H prepared Chava for a wedding Adam was sleeping.

This idea is brought in the Rama Even Ha'ezer Siman 51 where he says a Chosson and Kallah shouldn't live in one home because they may come to despise one another. I believe that this is where the custom comes that when the Chosson or Kallah comes to their future partner's family for Shabbos like when the Kallah comes to the Chosson's family for Shabbos that the Chosson sleeps in a different home. This is the source. Here there is an obvious question. We are afraid for them to live together in the same house because they will have too much of each other and they will come to hate each other. What are you talking about? Better they should find out before they are married than after they are married! They are about to get married. If they can't be happy living in the same house they should find out now. Isn't that a Pliya?

The answer lies in the words of the Hagaos Mordechai. A man and a woman who live together in the same house certainly they will come to disagreements certainly they will get on each other's nerves. Marriage only works because there is a sense of Sh'air. There is a sense of Basar Echad, there is an idea of permanence. There is an idea of making it work. Once a couple is married and in the same house assuming they are sensible people and have feelings for each other, they will be able to make it work. The problem is before they are married. If they are going to be together and there is no sense of permanence it is not going to happen. It is not going to end up being able to work because it just doesn't work. Ahava is Gematria Echad. Ahava requires that there be a sense of oneness. If there is a sense of trying it out you can be sure that it is not going to work. This is an important Yesod to understand. The key to Sholom Bayis in a home is not for a husband and a wife never to get on each other's nerves, never to do things that the other doesn't like. It is normal that these things happen. The key rather is to have a sense of oneness, a sense of Sh'air, (שְׁאֵרוֹ, הַקָּרֹב, אֵלָיו), a sense of Basar Echad. When there is a sense of Basar Echad it works.

I love to say this over. I once brought from the Aleinu L'shabaiach on Parshas Metzora. Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach's wife passed away and he said at the Levaya I have nothing to ask my wife Mechilah for. It moved everybody. A husband married more than 60 years could say that there is nothing that I have to ask Mechila for, it is very moving. That part of the story I think is rather well known. There is a second part. The Aleinu L'shabaiach brings that awhile later one of Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach's Talmidim came to Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach and told him we are married for such and such a period of time and we have never had an argument, never had a disagreement. He meant to say that I am following in your footsteps. Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach answered you have never had a disagreement with her? Are you divorced, did she die? The young man was bewildered. To which Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach replied it is not normal for a couple that is married to never have a disagreement, to never argue over anything. For that you don't have to ask for Mechila. As long as you treat each other with respect when you disagree, that is fine. But to say that you will have a home where you will never disagree that is not possible.